It all makes sense somehow..that with every journey's end, each fervent wish fulfilled, the constant longing for distant things, with every setting of the sun and at the onset of another morning, the crowd of voices whose faces I do not necessarily see, the beginning of every song..each line of stories told...everything...anything..old and new...all things..it all comes down to this...this is the smile that I long to see at the beginning and end of the everything in anything of the everyday of my life..for all that has been and all that will be..as sure as I am standing on solid ground or even when I am adrift in a nameless dimension...only one truth makes sense..and this is the only reason why I am holding on, after all this time....He's the one.

I am living my life right now the best way I know how - - one day at a time. No grand schemes..or well laid out blue print. Just one day at a time.

Is it worth it?

During one of my (self-imposed) darkest moments not so long ago, there are people (friends..those who cares about me and what I’m going thru) who told me to keep my options open. It was perhaps the best piece of advice at that point in time, at least. The problem with me, as always, is my tendency to be caught up and be totally consumed by an idea or a plan or a person or a phase in my life...at a particular moment. And when that happens, I find myself totally unable to look either to the left or right....or up and down...just straight ahead...like walking in a tunnel where nothing else matters but the light up ahead...I can see no other color but black and white...mostly gray. And when the idea fails or when the person disappears or the plan backfires...I am left with nothing but a totally dehydrated spirit...too exhausted to move on...too frustrated to even think of a bright side..of the window that should supposedly open when a door closes. When the fire dies and I am left alone to sweep away the scattered pieces ...ashes...and other souvenirs of a failed relationships (romantically or a long time friendship), shattered dreams and broken promises....it can be quite miserable and there's nothing I'd rather do but dwell in that misery, nourish my sense of self pity....feed the bitterness that attempts to corrode my heart and soul. I know I have to optimistic but normally that’s how I am. I needed time to compose myself..to heal..to forgive..to realize and by heart remember what lessons should be learned THIS TIME. I have bumped into many dead ends in what seemed to be smooth highways or cheerful roads....have seen too many promising beginnings having suddenly sad endings....I have made too many mistakes. I always get left behind no matter how fast I run or how hard I try to keep up...and meet certain expectations...too many great expectations leading to major disappointments. These past few days, in between all the things needed to be done.. I find myself thinking..deciding...that this is it....no more uncalculated risks...no more passionate rush to embrace that free, elusive, invisible gust of wind called love...no more heartbreaks...no more tears. Then again, after the initial bursts of deep seated pain and scorching hurt, I find myself blaming no one else but...myself....I brought this upon myself - for thinking that I can just allow my world, my universe to revolve around one single thought..person or plan...when all around me there's so much more...so much more is in store for me...so many reasons to move on....to be happy...as always, my misery is merely self imposed...(sabi nga sa text nag-iinarte lang?!) but seriously it was an ugly tunnel...cold…dark…no one else but me. I’m moving forward now one step at a time….I can see the other end…and it’s brighter. I can’t wait to get there…..

Today I closed a door that will never be reopened.
Willed myself to forget the room it contained,
the patterns created by the cracked walls..
even the cobwebs and dusts that gathered
on every corner..
I closed a door behind me
and felt the cool breeze..the warmth of the sun..
I made my first of a million steps
away from the door..the place I have left behind.
I bring with me no suitcases filled with memories..
not even excess emotional baggages
that will weigh me down.
This is the journey I have waited a lifetime to make..
No more delays..
so much wasted time..
Now I make one step forward..
and another.
I am on my way..

Somewhere there's a road that I won't have to travel on my own. Someone will walk by my side, hold my hand, listen to all I have to say - - from my lofty dreams to my best laid plans...and I will listen to what he has to say - - for his voice will be the song that will sing me to sleep when darkness falls and the happy song that will lighten my stride when morning comes along..and he will not say to me, not once..that this is forever - - but he will take me there....to that moment where forever begins...still with overflowing love that will last us another lifetime...He will never say, "I will never hurt you" for he knows only too well - - - the aching, sweet sorrow love brings..but he will love me through my tears...will love the wounds my constant tripping and falling brings...and love the way I would tend to reveal each day..just how imperfect, weak and foolish I can be...love me for this is who I am. His silence will not shut me out or leave me out in the cold..for in moments when he would not speak he would give me his hand to hold.... My fragility will not scare him or drive him away...but I will remain like pure crystal in his soft, loving hands - - and he will be the bravest of all..for having loved someone like me. He will cover in his warm embrace all my deepest fears....he will still the raging storms within me and put sunshine and rainbows in their stead - - and it wouldn't even matter if he cannot make the storm disappear for all I can think of then is that - - how I would love to dance in the rain with him-- though raging the storm may be..no thunder or lightning can ever frighten me. Yes he will be my all, the sun to give me warmth all summer long and the rain that will cleanse my dust coated soul. And in the end when all that's left..quiet...peace...calm..he will be with me still and I will stand before him...stronger now....and I will take his hand...we will walk in love..down the road...I will never travel alone.

It scares me a bit to realize how much things have normalized.. it is scary to think that all the energy I have are being provided by blood pumping through a still very much broken H...so this is how a zombie exists...moving in time, things done...smile at the right time..even make a crucial decision or two...pretending is the name of the game for now. I'm almost convinced when I say that I am okay. But I really am ok. I think. I'm really doing well, despite (sih) absence in my life (as if “eh” was ever there for me to begin with)....a evol (or was it, really) or maybe it was really nothing..but I can feel the weight of its absence. Nothing comes from nothing. Confusing? Confusing. So what was it then? A passing breeze? A distant tune? It was nothing....so I should be okay, right? And I am doing fine. I really am. I look around me...all is right in my world, everything in the right place..events unfolding as it should..this smile is real..but why do I feel as if I'm still nursing something? a “bh”?! oh well..whatever!

I will remain this way for the longest time..and that would include a time frame that goes beyond forever. And I will blame the stars for having written my fate as such...and curse the songs that feed on my lonely, miserable state...and claim to hate him whom I love for making me love him this much...so much. And I will say this again (and again) - - how much I am missing the hands I used to hold...long for the lips who used to meet and loved to kiss mine....define the warmth of an embrace that only belongs in my sad, recurrent dreams - - where I can swear he's there..where I can claim he's mine and I am his. Yes, I will remain the fool for the longest time (forever and beyond). He is the reason why - - no matter how bleak and hopeless my present reality seem to be. The world can either laugh or shake their head in pity...and I couldn't care less.. this is the rhythm of my heart..denied from this it will die..His name will be my prayer..his love my destiny. And so I will remain this way for the longest time . . may it be forever...and beyond.

It happens all the time. You'd think by now I'd have gotten used to it...
I was busy that night. My energy level was high and I was barely aware of seconds becoming minutes and the passing of hours...and in the middle of all the activities, someone asked how things are between....him and me. (WHAT DA?!)
And just like that my whole world stopped. I was trapped in an unexpected state of paralysis...I could even identify at which point my heart stopped beating. I was not prepared for the impact it caused. For the first time I found myself finally blurting the truth..that there’s nothing…wala talaga..gets?! Beyond those lines I found myself unable to elaborate...when another well meaning resident dared to ask follow up questions, I made a weak attempt to say something funny -- maybe I said something like, "please don't ask another question or else I will cry" --- and I realized it wasn't funny at all...but sad...so very, very sad...but I punctuated it with an artificial laugh..then I walked away, before the tears could actually fall.
And I thought of him again... I was in a place where I used to take his calls...and I remembered how just listening to his voice filled me with such joy I could not even measure or define....it was a voice that spoke my name like no one else can...I can listen to him all day long. I thought he was mine for the briefest time. It was enough to give me a glimpse of how eternity will be like..... it was a fire that was aflame for the shortest...sweetest moment...but it was all I needed to make me believe how powerful and magical love can be.....and how painful it is at the same time.
Can I ever blame anybody who would say, what I had with him was an illusion....what evidence do I have that there was a brief moment in my life when he was mine...and all that I have are all the little things...and even these I have lost..... He became my world at one point. No wonder my world stops at the mere mention of his name.
So I forced myself to take one step and another until my movements resumed their pace...I switched my thoughts back to reality...until thoughts of him were again buried beneath the surface - - once again I freed myself from my temporary state of paralysis. But the sadness refused to go away.


I am no good at love
My heart should be wise and free
I kill the unfortunate golden goose
Whoever it may be
With over-articulate tenderness
And too much intensity.

I am no good at love
I batter it out of shape
Suspicion tears at my sleepless mind
And gibbering like an ape,
I lie alone in the endless dark
Knowing there's no escape.
I am no good at love
When my easy heart I yield
Wild words come tumbling from my mouth
Which should have stayed concealed;
And my jealousy turns a bed of bliss
Into a battlefield.
I am no good at love
I betray it with little sins
For I feel the misery of the end
In the moment that it begins
And the bitterness of the last good-bye
Is the bitterness that wins.

I wish I wrote this one. They say to cure the pain you must eliminate its source . . when it comes to pain that love usually brings, it needs having to start at the beginning...erase the moment you knew his name...undo the motions that led you to love him...and unspeak the love you claim to have for him...ergo, the pain is gone..but it won't be your life anymore.(Chaps!)
Life
would perhaps
be easier
If I had
never met you

Less sadness
each time
when we must part
less fear
of the next parting
and the next after that

And not so much either
of this powerless longing
when you're not there
which wants only the
impossible
and that right away
next minute
and then
when that cant be
is hurt
and find breathing difficult
Life
Would perhaps be simpler
If I hadn't met you
Only it wouldn't be
My life

Would this thought convert my frustration into optimistic anticipation? That I am a few steps away to where I am destined to be...if darkness is but a sign that soon there will be light. .Or am I being foolish again..choosing to distort reality according to how I want it to appear - - favorable signs and divine omens...
But then again..proverbs like this one are often based on profound truths..wisdom based on patterns...that the darkest hour signals impending brightness - - dawning of a new day. So it would be unwise to give up now.

He's on my mind again...just when I thought I have moved on. I woke up today with his name on my lips and I was surprised that it just came out naturally - - like a reflex...it was only when the last traces of sleep unclouded my consciousness that I realized that my world, my reality is this - - he is out of my life..and it has been that way for the longest, saddest time. Is this a curse then or some bad joke that my heart has stubbornly chosen to dwell in the past...a past that was, though only a brief interval of time...filled with his name...his presence..and before I finally decided to face the day...I paused....and tried to remember....the only part of him that still belongs to me - - is nothing..just the things he said to me..and I wont be able to hear it again..his voice and all. Memories…..pieces..

I forgot to pray...that please, let today be the day that I finally forget him...unlove him....undo what he has become in my life. Did I really forget to make this prayer? Or was it a deliberate move...since all my being chose to cling to him..to his memory...and the time we spent together. I wish to see a happier path...a more loving destiny but whenever I contemplate that it would be a road...a map that will lead me farther..farther away from where he is...I find myself uncertain...unready....is that what I really want?

I find comfort in darkness. In silence I find peace. A little while longer I would forget the color of daylight...and I would say I am merely protecting myself from the cruel glare of the sun, I choose to be in the dark for now. I find peace in silence so let it be. Let me be. I find no reason to maintain my life's unending motion...the obligatory step that would take me from here to there..this to that..what now and what's next. I choose to stay in place. And say nothing. There is peace in silence so turn on the quiet...preserve the stillness. Let me be. These tears are cleansing...don't supress their will to overflow...behind the sadness there is peace when no words are spoken..just me with my tears and the darkness and the silence. My life is like a prolonged rainy night..in the darkness no one sees the falling of my tears or comprehend the storm I'm weathering within. Silence is my sole witness and it will not speak a word - - of how lonely or sad..or the number of tears it has seen me shed. It knows the peace I find with its company. In the darkness..counting teardrops as they fall...I choose to be in this state for now. In silence I find peace. Let it be.

This is how it ends. You never really know for certain until there is the definite closing of a door. When a light flickers then dies. A song fades and there is nothing but silence. A dream ends and reality begins. A dark cloud covers the sun. A chapter closes. And all that u feel is a heavy, heavy weight called sadness..and you stand alone like an island..nothing appears familiar except for the sharp pain in your chest (like daggers) that reminds you again and again that you are in despair..that it's time to release the tears..such misery, how much can one bear? At first you hold on in desperation to a thin, thin thread of...no not hope..but foolish, blind optimism - - then you let go, surrender to a free fall wherever it will lead (for sure it can only go down..down...a dark pit awaits).
You long for sleep to come hoping that it will anesthetize you...even hoping that you will never wake up again... somewhere deep inside you feel the need to reach out...even scream…but you change your mind and revert back to silence - along with the closing of the door, the end of the dream, the last note of the song..what's the use..
And you close your eyes.
Finally...

As always it happens like this..I am quietly doing the things I'm supposed to do..trying to be what the world expects me to be..but desperately struggling to keep beneath the surface all my deepest longings...saddest thoughts....unspeakable loneliness..that comes from living in a reality without him in it....and just when I am about to congratulate myself for maintaining a semblance of calm and peace..I hear our songs...and I think of him again...and I fall apart all over again...and the next few minutes will be spent on picking up pieces of a broken heart and shattered dreams...and cursing my blessed, perfect and sedate reality - - because he's not in it. Because I no longer gauge the beauty of my days on sunshine and smiles, bliss and perfection. The beauty that I want to see...should be one that reflects from his eyes...and anywhere with him is where I want to be.
"last love song"
"superstar" by usher and luther vandross
Way back into love
HUgh Grant & Haley Bennett

[Cora]
I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

[Alex]
I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

[Cora & Alex]
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

[Cora]
I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's gotta be something for my soul somewhere

[Alex]

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

[Cora & Alex]
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

[Cora]
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

[Cora & Alex]
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end
"The Last Time"

The first time I fell in love was long ago.
I didn't know how to give my love at all.
The next time I settled for what felt so close.
But without romance, you're never gonna fall.
After everything I've learned;
Now it's finally my turn.
This is the last time I'll fall... in love.
The first time we walked under that starry sky,
there was a moment when everything was clear.
I didn't need to ask or even wonder why, because each question is answered when your near.
and I'm wise enough to know when a miracle unfolds, this is the last time i'll fall in love.
Now don't hold back, just let me know.
Could i be moving much too fast or way too slow.
'Cause all of my life, I've waited for this day.
To find that once in a lifetime, this is it, I'll never be the same.
You'll never know what it's taken me to say these words.
And now that I've said them, they could never be enough.
As far as I can see, there's only you and only me.

This is the last time I'll fall in love.
Last time i'll fall in love.
The last time i'll fall... in love.

How To Deal
Frankie J.

Sometimes a man has to choose
And do something he doesn't wanna do
Do I live my life with you as my wife
Or do I go on and pursue my lifetime dream
I gotta do this for me
Cuz if I don't I'll probably regret it
But if I do I'll probably regret it
How do I cope

[Chorus:]
How do you cope when
The one you love is with somebody else
And there's nothing you could do about it
How do I deal with
The fact that you had a chance
But you chose to turn away for your career
I gotta take it though it's heartbreakin'
It's something that I had to do
But nobody said that it would hurt so bad
So how do I live...how do I deal without you

It's killing me to know
That your heart's with me
But you're with him cause I chose
To be in this industry
Money, shows, and hoes come along with luxury and pain
Is all you see when you think about it
But this is the life that I was given
So I have to live it to the fullest
But how do I deal in the meantime without you

[Chorus]

How do you deal when you can't be with
the one you love but the one you love is
with somebody else
What do you do when you know she don't love him
but she love me but she cant stand lovin' you faraway
you just deal with it,deal with it
(I dont wanna have to live with it)
you just deal with it,deal with it
(no,no,no)
you just deal with it,deal with it
(I dont want nobody else alovin' you)
you just deal with it,deal with it
(I dont nobody else alovin' me)

[Chorus]

How do you cope when
The one you love is with somebody else
And there's nothing you could do about it.......


Cracks Of My Broken Heart
Eric Benet

Maybe we need just a little more time
Time that can heal what's been on your mind
You can find what we lost before it all slips away
We need time to mend from the mistakes I've made
God only knows what a heart can survive
So many tears from all the pain in our lives
And where else could we go after all we've been through
I still believe my life is right here with you

So just hold on
And it'll wont take long
I hope that you can love me
When the pain is gone
I don't want us to fall through the cracks of a broken heart
Don't want us to fall through the cracks of your broken heart

I know its taking a while but every lesson, i've learned
And if your heart speaks tonight, I'll hear every word
If you want to be free I'll never stand in your way
But with all that I am, I'm asking you to stay

Hold on
And it'll wont take long
I hope that you can love me
When the pain is gone
I don't want us to fall through the cracks of a broken heart
Don't want us to fall through the cracks of your broken heart

There's a light that can burn
It exists in the heart
You can feel it when you know love is true
If you could try to be strong
And keep the light burning long
It took a lifetime but i found it in you

Hold on
And it'll wont take long
I hope that you can love me
When the pain is gone
I don't want us to fall through the cracks of a broken heart
Don't want us to fall through the cracks of your broken heart

I am not a charity case? Why can't I make you realize that you hurt me more when you patronize me and that the more you attempt to be kind the more you break my heart (as if it's not enough that you have broken it into million..pulverized pieces). The river formed by my tears have not reached you yet...but I am drowning in it..I am drowning and I find no reason...no strength to swim..even to save my life. You said the last thing on your mind was to hurt me...so I presume you're not even thinking about this now...that you're hurting me..everyday I die a million deaths...because of you..is your kindness my consolation prize because I lost the love I fought to win back? Do you patronize me out of sheer guilt or out of fear that you never did what you said- - how conveniently you forget...I wish I have a heart like yours that can love and unlove at will...I wish I had your mind that can decide easily and simply - - that now it's over, time to move on without looking back...except from time to time, attempt to be kind...you think it's the right thing to do, being the gentleman that you are but please can't you see you only break my heart even more..

A Kiss In The Clouds


I ride the clouds up high today
Because you love just me,
I soar among the angels
And smile at all I see.

For somewhere down below me
I see a couple hand in hand,
My heart knows just what they share
And of their love so grand.

I see them stop and kiss
With their lips pressed tenderly,
And as I sit here upon my cloud
I watch him hold her so gently.

He brushes back her hair
And in his hands cradles her face,
I watch from high above
And wish I could take her place.

So I lift up off my cloud
And soar upon my wings,
No time to sit and dream
I've other places, other things.

I glide on heavens breeze
And let it loft me high,
I am free at last from all
Here up in the sky.

And as I fly around so free
I look down below once more,
And there I see that couple
Arm in arm upon the shore.

They laugh, they play
From here I can feel their love,
And it makes me wish that I were them
Not soaring here above.

They stopped and turned to face
Wrapped in each others arms,
The way he held her so gently
He'd keep her safe from all harm.

Even from here I could feel
The comfort of his touch,
And I knew from their eyes
How they both loved so much.

And then a funny thing happened
While I laid here on this cloud,
I heard a voice calling to me
My name he called out loud.

I opened up my eyes to see
That man standing before me,
And I knew then it was his kiss
That sent me soaring over the sea.

For when our bodies touch like that
And I get lost within his kiss,
My body flies off to the heavens
For his touch holds such bliss.


-a kiss in the clouds..i thought it was R-E-A-L..it was just a dream..
u cant kiss in the clouds..stupid?!

Dati-rati
Laman ng puso mo ay ang pangalan Ko
Lagi Ako sa isip mo
Dati-rati
Inaawitan pa lagi ay may ngiti
Mga matay nagniningning
Ngunit ngayon nagbago ka
Nasan na ang init ng pagsinta
Pangako moy hindi magwawakas

Di bat noon
Samyo ng bulaklak at ihip ng hangin ay kapansin-pansin
Di bat noon takbo ng oras ay di mo napapansin
Laging naglalambing
Ngunit ngayon naglaho na
Siglat tamis ng iyong pagsinta
Pagmamahal Ko bay kailangan pa
Ooh

Dati-rati
Mga pangako Koy kandungan mot lakas
Sa pagsubok ay kay tatag
Di bat noon
Sa kaibigan moy Akong bukambibig
Bakit ngayoy anong lamig

Di mo alam Akoy nasasaktan
Sa di pagpansin sa Aking pagmamahal
Lumapit kat Akoy naghihintay
Naghihintay, ohh

Akoy nasasaktan
Sa di pagpansin sa aking pagmamahal
Lumapit kat akoy naghihintay

Di mo alam Akoy nasasaktan
Sa di pagpansin sa Aking pagmamahal
Lumapit kat Akoy naghihintay

Panginoon
Akoy nabulag ng mandarayang mundo
Ako ay patawarin Mo
Mula ngayon ang buhay kong itoy
Iaalay sa Iyo gamitin mo ako
Gaya ng dati
Gaya ng dati
Gaya ng dati

-when i cried because finally he told me he loves me..and i told him "i love you more"

Bakit kaya nangangamba
Sa tuwing ika'y nakikita
Sana nama'y magpakilala
Ilang ulit nang nagkabangga
Aklat kong dala'y pinulot mo pa
'Di ka pa rin nagpakilala
REFRAIN
Bawat araw sinusundan
'Di ka naman tumitingin
Ano'ng aking dapat gawin
Bakit kaya umiiwas
Binti ko ba'y mayroong gasgas
Nais ko lang magpakilala
Dito'y mayroon sa puso ko
Munting puwang laan sa 'yo
Maaari na bang magpakilala
REFRAIN
Bawat araw sinusundan
'Di ka naman tumitingin
Ano'ng aking dapat gawin
CHORUS
Kailan (kailan), kailan mo ba mapapansin ang aking lihim
Kahit ano'ng aking gawin, 'di mo pinapansin
Kailan (kailan), kailan hahaplusin ang pusong bitin na bitin
Kahit ano'ng gawing lambing, 'di mo pa rin pansin
AD LIB
Bakit kaya umiiwas
Binti ko ba'y mayroong gasgas
Nais ko lang magpakilala
REFRAIN
Bawat araw sinusundan
'Di ka naman tumitingin
Ano'ng aking dapat gawin
CHORUS
Kailan (kailan), kailan mo ba mapapansin ang aking lihim
Kahit ano'ng aking gawin, 'di mo pinapansin
Kailan (kailan), kailan hahaplusin ang pusong bitin na bitin
Kahit ano'ng gawing lambing, 'di mo pa rin pansin

-the very moment he said i love you

Monday – buh-bye ninang
- QA day
- Cpt
- Something’s wrong..something is fucking wrong
- Started to worry

Tuesday – systems down (no que..no calls/less calls)
- Pichur-pichur
- and so am I (im so fucking down) bad bad bad
- kisses needed something sweet..mood booster..something sweet for my stirring depression

Wednesday – me and my big mouth
- and that annoying friend of mine..(no I guess she’s not a friend) she’s letting other people know about my secret!!
- She’s so freakin’daldal! Ugh!
- That 5:52 am call! Caller looking for the last name Montgomery first names judy or tooot (my secret alllinav’s name) on springwater dr cant help but smile and eventually feel bad?! Huh?!
- That “motherfucking” test call which turned out to be a good call. “motherfucking” kc the caller was so irate..cursing every after word kc binabaan daw cya nung agent na nakausap nya etc! dko na maintindihan sobrang slang eh! Kaya keber bahala ka magmura jan!
- I got a kiss from my TL for that! Sa noo! Eheh!

Thursday – INDIFFERENT! :’ (
- food day sa itouch..ulk! d kaya masarap! Ice tea lang na-apreciate ko!
- I’M SOOOO SAD! WHY WHY WHY?! How could I’ve been sooo stupid?!
- maganda lang ngayon ay ok na kmi ni Hapi..aside from that I just want to burry myself 6 feet under!

Friday – “ih?!” huh?! What’s that for?! Today is nothing but a simple “ih” to him which means everything to me.

Sat – BROKE/penniless/BUSTED/ruined
I shop for drei..new shirt,new toys (was supposed to be happy for this pero sana talagang d nalang ako nag-friendster para d nasira yung araw ko! Bullshit!
- I’m soo broke!
- Broke about money..(ok lang sna pero itong nasa baba)
- Broke about that friendster account!
- How broke?! It feels like I have a boyfriend and we had a fight and I love him so much and he broke up with me for no reason at all! Ganon ka-broke! Ganon yung feeling! Ganon ka-bad!

Sunday – went to mnla memorial to visit lolo and lola..lolo's death anniv..then alabang lunch with tito bong's..visit our cousins. went straight to eastwood to meet sheryl, blue, rain, chuck, hapi,and peter.
-movie day .. sukob day! it's so freakin' scary..fucking freaking nakakagulat! twas fun though..sayang d ako nakasama sa proj2 para magvideoke..hehe next time..i was so hinayang dahil pagdating ko dito drei's tulog na! argh! kainis! THEY just spoiled my day! pero ganon talaga! always GANON TALAGA..(sigh)

ending this month with a period (.) for some reasons..and move ahead. Move on..i'm moving on..Feel better..just like before..stay happy..take things as they come. Let it rain (as pai said). I love rainy days ayoko lang ng baha (cno bang me-gusto karla?!) It breaks my heart but I feel so much sane and I love rain..kc hindi ako madalas maligo! Charot! I love it kc malamig masarap matulog..ilove rain wala lang there’s something about it na hindi ko ma-explain!

4th of july..not much..not much..

..just my parents silver wedding anniversary. beat that! they may not be able to give us everything but i know till now they're still trying to..and inspite of that they managed to stay together with much love and respect.thats what makes us all so proud for having such a wonderful wonderful parents. mom, dad cheers to another 25 years! love you much! ur GOD's greatest greatest blessings to us (me, kuya, maris, josh, and drei).

and happy lang talaga ko! secret..walang clue..too much for me to say..its complicated.."the most important part of my day did happen again 4th of july till dawn"..oopps! yun na lang! and i thank god for having such a wonderful wonderful wonderful day! : )

---aladinos vto...

June 7, 2006
I was just there at the corner when you passed by. You smiled. OH MY…. Im breathless..speechless...everything is like a slow motion..am I just overreacting? I don’t care. Cuz somehow inside that’s how you made me feel. I can’t really describe it. The last time I get near you I was so inspired and comfortable. And in fact I did well that day(don’t ask me what it was coz it’s what everybody does there). I never really intend to make a big deal out of this. It may only be an infatuation. Somehow I don’t really want whatever it is to be strong. Somehow I wanted to get rid of the feeling, the pleasure of seeing you everyday. Part of me wants to let go coz and live just like I should, with what I can't have and with what I could. But a part of me will not just allow it and right now I can’t figure out why.
We don’t talk that much (one big reason is because you’re with her) but whenever I get the chance to, or every time you’ll speak to me..that was always the best part of my day. And when I made you smile or laugh..that was even better. I have that moment in my mind and I want to hold on to that (the fact that I made you smile), the words you said, the time, that wonderful moment. I went home and I have it. I slept and I still have it. I woke up and it’s still there. You’re still in my thoughts. The same smile, that same moment that I made you smile. Don’t worry I’m not going to make you feel uneasy one of these days. I’m not planning to take you away from her (I don’t even think you would come with me..just kidding). I don’t even intend to let you know what I’m going through when you’re around. Not right now, maybe never. I was gripped by that moment..by your smile. I just want you to stay there. Smile at me for just a few seconds of my day. Just like that…just like that… until then…

wasn't really planning to write..but obviously i've been busy with alot of things, been stressed with work i guess. nakalimutan ko na nga kung ano ano pa yun! all i can do is to keep my hopes high, move on with courage uhmm...it's kind'uv an old saying but really need to live each day to the fullest. at sabi nga ni cute na cute na BLUE eh "keep your options open" ouch! tsk! kelangan na mas habaan pa ang pisi sa mga kanong yon. ok ok..pano baaaah! im tryin to do my best! i hope and pray that i wont fail...im worried about my QA this week..i wasn't really feeling well nung naQA ako tapos ang dami dami pang call na knuha sakin..dna ko nakapagbreak nakalimutan ko na..nataranta nko na pagod na hingal na AH EWAN! babawi nlang ako next week..sana kahit may failed sa dami nung calls sana hindi failed yung score ko..ugh mhin! :(

wut'else?! naiinis ako ngayon eh! not just a day for me, i guess! natutulog ka ang inet inet tapos biglang magbbrown out!!! kumusta nman ang sakit sa ulo! naiwanan ko pa yung sukli ko kagabi! babalikan ko nlang later no sayang yon it's 200 pampers na ng babe ko yun! (sigh) my only consolation is the fact na off ako today till sunday..hmm sana magpa6th day sa sunday. needing money..

il watch da vinci with a friend baka next week na yoko pa makipagsiksikan pati im broke and im not happy! ugh! (which obviously didnt happen)

it's drei's birthday! what's for today?! grabe nkakapagod..hehe d pako nagpapahinga..pero ok lng. wala nman masyadong handa. just a small get together dito..with friends and family pati yung kabarkads ng babe ko sa park...hehe! funny that he can name his friends na..ang cute! im proud i was able to make handa for drei kahit di masyadong parteh. il buy you a bike again babe! mwah mwah! happy birthday babe! iloveyou much!

pano ba naman ang taas ng cpt ko!! huwaaaaaaH! ano ba naman yan?! pero bumaba na pero mataas pa rin yun! 90+something..then down to 70-60+something..pero pangit pa rin ang ganon! anyway..bhala na tom! bawi nalang! audio release nlang sa mga matatanda khit nakakaawa cla magsalita..kahit dko sure kung mkukuha nila yung number with that horrible machine as they say! for the sake of my cpt!

wuttelse?! oh! yuH! i got a starbucks planner for 500bucks! ooohhh! that's a gift to myself..i prayed for it! kahit ang babaw. sobrang nung nakita ko yun tinanong ko talaga if they could sell it kaso hindi! i'm so desperate!...
LUCKILY! (pagkaswerte-swerteng bata ko at may naglako sa floor ng planner) at kahit dko siya kilala at kahit na on the phone ako..talagang tumayo ako at feeling ko may call ako nun pero keber! sabi ko AKO!AKO!kahit magkano wag lang 1000!hehe! (tama ba naman yon?) pero i dont really mind basta makakuha ko non! and yes! i got it fresh last monday! (hehe! dna fresh cuz its march na! pero bago parin its just that march nga lang..)

okie! thats it! nytie!

hay salamat! after OT's and all that! FINALLY! i'm on 10-7 shift..i have weekends for the first time. hmmm let's see what will happen. pero muka namang ok eh..i was thinking if kelangan ko pa ng yaya pero mukang drei's cooperating naman with my mom and everyone here pag wala ako.

wut'else? there are lots of cute guys on the floor..pero shempre hanggang patingin-tingin lang sila sakin at patingin-tingin lang din ang Diyosa sa kanila! hehe kapal noh?! eh ano naman akin naman to!

(sigh) i was so relieved that i finally started a good one. and as far as i know im really doing well, im happy, and i have no plans of making the same mistakes again..learned so much from the past 3 years of my life..and i think I am REALLY REALLY growing up and REALLY REALLY happy to realize that finally i am..ahihi! cya cge na! dami ko na utang sa tulog..magbabayad muna ko..

CARDIOPULMONARY RESUSCITATION..or CPR! PUHLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!! im speechless! PARANG NATIGALGAL AKO DUN! PARA AKONG NAKAKITA NG MULTO!!! i had goosebumps! parang kakapusin ako ng hininga! ano ba ito?!!! oops! I'M NOT WHINING! I'M NOOOOOOOT! and IM NOT BITTER either! pwde bah! ok! ok! i got it! basta 'get' ko na! hmmm..prang bigla ko narealize na ang dapat na motto ko ay "NEVER REALLY SETTLE FOR LESS." Im still lucky..a bit disappointed pero hehe KABOG! (hindi ako KINABOG dun! chaka!) mjo insulto lang..PERO IT'S ALL GOOOOOOOOOOOOD! hahaha! *LOLS* sakit ng tyan ko! (fart.....fart....fart)

At last! I’m back! I’m working again! Woohoo! Anyway It was pretty cool na rin. I have a nice batch right now. ALL GIRLS!!! Pompano(city)! (basta we all sound so stupid the first time we encounter this while in training)

san pa?! cc pa rin.. but it was good. Atleast im not gonna sell anything to them. I’ll be doing inbound two weeks from now. And that’s what I really wanna do!

Drei’s behaving well naman when I’m not around. Next week night shift na.. I just wish na I could sleep 5 hours straight after work everyday ng di ako ginigising ng tatay koh! (YOU WISH!)

I’ll be back when I hit the floor hoping I would be able to remember my first call.

kuya butch..mali bko? ewan ko kc dko na alam kung anong tama.. shox ang lalim. im not downright promiscuous.. i have plans. not to be a longtime burden to them. i'm trying to make my life better. i'm tryin to make things right. i'm trying to fix things myself even if now i feel that im starting from scratch seriously..kasi ako naman may kasalanan eh diba? pero everytime, EVERYTIME there's an opportunity for me hindi mo makita sa kanila na they're all out supporting me. i wanted to grab every opportunity that comes my way pero TOO much ba talaga yung gusto kong mangyari? too early? too hard? o too MUCH?! ano?! ewan ang gulo! hindi ko na alam eh. hay naku mag-emote ba?! kaso wala naman makinig..only nanay..eh ano nman magagawa nya to change their minds diba? (NANAY..love shue! maloloka nako sa kanila kung wla ka..) sulatan naman tayo ulit para malaman ko kung sane pako. huhuhu! ;p take care! god bless!

palagi nlang bang may nagmamanipulate sakin? kung palagi nalang may bawal! kung palagi ayaw nila?! or siguro nga hindi pko meant for a call center..but whattabout my plans? it feels like every day my brains getting bigger, fatter pero there's nothing in it! walang naka-store! or sa sobrang pahinga natabunan na yung mga bagay na alam ko dati at ngayon hindi na! dahil nakalimutan ko na!

is it sooo hard to understand?!

pero sabagay may point din naman sila(hehehe : )how am i suppose to go to work in an ungodly hour? as in 2am or 3am? kahit pa sabihin mong 5am ang umpisa ng shift madilim pa rin yon! alanganaman mag-avis taxi ako palagi?! e di wala rin akong naipon yung sweldo ko mapupunta lang sa taxi?! shi-e-e-e-t! ang saklap!

nasayang lang..sinamahan pko ng mabait pero may pagka-chismosong si bispren roy..hehe pero ok lang nagchikahan nalang kami! (pai! i have something to tell u nanaman! alamo naman si roy parang 'umalahokan' *tama ba?! yung tagapagbalita nung unang panahon! kung mali ewan ko! nakalimutan ko na nga eh! hahaha!*)

pero somehow it upsets me..pero (ulit) ganon talaga! better find a call center with better schedules. hmmm... isang tanong nalang..ano bang gamot sa sipon? katinko?!

jkc

hi! my name is..no u dont have to know my full name..just call me jeudi
i used to have my journal.. really!(duh! who cares?!) im a papemelrotti shopper (who cares!!! grrr!) and i used their stuff to write my life(hehehe). kaso palaging nababasa ng mommy ko kahit anong tago ang gawin ko. kaya thanks to hi-technology and i believe na this time hindi na nya mababasa to. hindi naman marunong mag-internet yon no! nand i dont care if mabasa ng ibang tao to! this is my life and im gonna do what i want..with me as the ACTRESS and my world as my audience! this is my show...at ang mga audience na yon ay kayo..u can say anything,,(but i know you wont kasi as if naman close tayo!) leave comments but i dont care! yun lang ang magagawa nyo. tagapanood. tagabasa. walang magiging effect sakin yon. basta ko nandito nag-aaksaya ng oras para maglabas ng sama ng loob, teka malalim eh..bsta bayaan nyo nalang ako ok? this is what i want eh. o cya cge na! happy viewing nalang sa inyo! good lick este goodluck kung may mapulot kayo o wala..o ma-entertain kayo! tanga! walang live show dito! hindi ko feel magpaka-xerex! sex guru nalang ok?! hahaha!